Dust of Snow
by Jefe Von Stanley on Feb.26, 2010, under Navel Gazing, New York City
Photo by Jefe Von Stanley.
NYU must be getting soft in its old age. Classes are canceled, the second snow day this semester, which for this institution is undheard of. Why, in my day there’d have to be 3 feet of snow on the ground and a tornado on the way for classes to be canceled. I had milk cartons for shoes, album covers for gloves, a paint can for a hat. I used a tire tread for a scarf. Dead rats for socks. I had to walk all the way to Greenwich Village when the dorms were but a shantytown in the South Bronx. And I was one of the rich kids.
Nothing to do but enjoy the day off and suit up to go take out the trash and buy provisions; milk, cookies, stamps and a bottle of Jack. I saw the weariest minds of my neighborhood enlightened by snowfall. I saw a child marching and stomping across my courtyard knee deep in snow. I saw middle-aged women and men laugh like kids and hurl snow at each other. I saw a stumbling wino, brownbag flask in hand, smile and propose marriage to a young woman who smiled back and told him she’d need his hard liquor for that – but that she’d be sticking with wine, thank you very much. He laughed. I saw my Arab storekeeper smile and give me three stamps when I’d only paid for two.
Somebody somewhere in this city, lots of somebodies, are cursing the snow right now, doubtless like the grieving family of the 56-year-old man who was killed by a falling elm branch in Central Park yesterday as he strolled along Literary Walk in the slush.
Today I humbly thank the god of lucky stars that I’m holed up in a warm pad, some bird seed scattered in my windowbox for the sparrows and pigeons who peck at the glass when I tarry, someone special fighting her way here to stay warm with me, a good book, and a view of the falling fluff.
The way a crow
Shook down on me
The dust of snow
From a hemlock tree
Has given my heart
A change of mood
And saved some part
Of a day I had rued.
- Robert Frost
Unheavenly Host
by Jefe Von Stanley on Feb.12, 2010, under New York City
SNACKERS WILL BE EXCOMMUNICATED. A hilarious Yelp review reminds tourists that Manhattan’s the kind of place where even a charity thrift store can be elitist, and that between-meal snacks should be avoided. I don’t know about the resta yous but I’m stickin’ wit Goodwill.
Angel Street Thrift Shop
“Beware the moronic staff
Beware the snooty staff who think they work in Bloomingdale’s, or that they own all this stuff and wish you’d leave quickly. It’s a THRIFT STORE, people. Wake up. I’ve lived near it for years and have liked shopping there knowing about the social programs they support, and have tolerated the silly little staff, but really, lose the attitude, today you went too far. You’d think their motto might be Love Thy Neighbor, but Berate Thy Neighbor or Loathe Thy Neighbor would be more appropriate. Won’t be back after my experience today; there are many other charities in the city who don’t try to gouge me on the prices, don’t shower me with pretense, and don’t yell and pitch a bitch fit because I dropped some nuts, SOME NUTS (egad!) onto their DOORMAT an inch from the front door, had the kindness and maturity unusual in New York (most people would have walked on out and thought nothing of it) to go let them know I’d spilled some nuts on their mat -
‘Guys? Sorry, I made a little mess up here.’
Middle-aged bitch comes over and stares down his nose at the nuts on the doormat, then stares down his nose at me, rolls his eyes, and walks away, presumably to get a broom.
‘Do you want some help cleaning it up?’ I offer, this clearly being a two-second cleanup job, and hey, I felt bad about making someone else have to clean up my spilled nuts from their doormat.
‘No. That’s why you shouldn’t bring food into a store,’ he added smugly. Golly thanks, Mom. Get parental on your customer; way to get repeat business and spread good word of mouth.
‘Well, now, I did look before I came in and there’s no sign saying Please No Food or Drink,’ I pointed out, because if I’d seen a sign I certainly would have put away my nuts before this man got a look at them.
‘You shouldn’t need a sign. It’s courtesy.’ Oh, now the customer who sought out someone to point out his spill and offer to help clean it up himself is DISCOURTEOUS. Brilliant answer. You’re batting a thousand with the customer service skills, bud.
‘Oh, like you’ve never eaten food in a store before!’ I yelled. I was done being polite. ‘It’s on a mat an inch from the door! You open up the door and you shake it out, it’ll take two seconds, I even offered to do it myself!’ No response. I stormed out. You know what else stormed out the door with me? My money, my partner’s money, my friends’ money, and my neighbors’ money.
Way to go, coolio! Golly, you must be the MANAGER! Neato! You’re so IMPORTANT.
- Pros: only occasionally will you find something worthwhile here
- Cons: pretentious prices, snooty staff”
Forced Busing, Tear Gas and Billy Clubs Ensure Revolutionary Guard’s Victory Over Protestors
by Jefe Von Stanley on Feb.11, 2010, under Politics
Associated Press, by Nasser Karimi
Huge rally and protests mark Iran revolution
Police clashed with protesters in several sites around Tehran, firing tear gas to disperse them and paintballs to mark them for arrest. Gangs of hard-liners also attacked senior opposition figures as they tried to attend the rallies — including the wife of the head of the reform movement.
Plainclothes Basiji militiamen beat 65-year-old Zahra Rahnavard with clubs on her head and back until her supporters formed a human ring around her and whisked her away, according to the Web site of her husband, Mir Hossein Mousavi.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100211/ap_on_bi_ge/ml_iran
Iran’s Regime Prepares for 2/11 by Arresting People in Advance
by Jefe Von Stanley on Feb.10, 2010, under Politics
NY TIMES: Arrests by Iran Are a Bid to Quell Wide Protests
By MICHAEL SLACKMAN
Iranian security officials were believed to have arrested as many as 1,000 people in the past two months, a rights group said.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/10/world/middleeast/10arrests.html?th&emc=th
Violence or Victory on 2/11?
by Jefe Von Stanley on Feb.06, 2010, under Politics
“Censorship, torture, executions – Iranian authorities will stop at nothing to stamp out peaceful dissent and protest.
“Last week, two men were hanged after being accused of inciting the post-June 12 election violence that erupted last summer in Iran. The Iranian government failed to answer one key question – how these men could have been responsible for the violence when they were being held in detention long before it even occurred?
“As if this injustice wasn’t enough, now the lives of 9 more men hang in the balance on similar charges. Amnesty fears some of them may be executed before February 11th – a date holding much significance in Iran and one that could signify an end to these abuses.
“February 11th is known as Victory of the Revolution Day – equivalent to the Fourth of July in the United States; it is meant to symbolize liberty, independence and freedom. Authorities in Iran fear that February 11th will spark a wave of massive protests and unite Iranians in their calls for change and accountability.
“That is why on February 11th Amnesty International intends to do all it can to stand in solidarity with the Iranian people on this important date. In the days following the contested Presidential election, Iranian authorities took aggressive measures to stifle dissent and stem the flow of information. No outside reporters were allowed in. Iranians were not allowed to freely report out. Virtually the only way the Iranian people could expose the horrific treatment being inflicted on them was to share their stories online, using blogs and websites like Twitter and Facebook.
“Amnesty expects Iranians will once again rely solely on the Internet to carry their messages during next week’s expected demonstrations. That is why they are asking everyone to show their solidarity online on February 11th – whether it’s on your blog, website, or social networking profile. Help us raise the voices of those calling for freedom and justice inside Iran.”
Please go here for more info.
American Theatre sez…Welcome to Your Neo-Future
by Jefe Von Stanley on Feb.03, 2010, under Navel Gazing, Theatre
“Most of these people are coming to see a show they’ve seen before. At the same time, most of them are coming to see a show they’ve never seen before. How is this paradox possible? All of them are on their way to see Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind, the ever-mutating cornerstone performance of an unruly 20-year-old company that calls itself the Neo-Futurists. This may be an ugly stay-at-home-with-slippers-and-bourbon night in Chicago, but the Neo-Futurists are eight people short of a sold-out house.
“Remarkably, something similar is going on this very night some 700 miles away in downtown Manhattan, where the skies are clearer and the line for an 11 p.m. Neo-Futurist show is wending down East 4th Street across from La MaMa E.T.C. If you’re heading out after a performance at that renowned venue and see the line across the street, you should consider getting in it. More important, if you ask the Neo-Futurists really nicely (or offer them enough cash), a line like that could form in your town, too.”
Read Justin Maxwell’s full story here.
Ad Infinitum
by Jefe Von Stanley on Jan.27, 2010, under Journalism, What's Really Going On
Photo by Jefe Von Stanley.
Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
—–
Apple Announces Tablet Device Called iPad
Steven P. Jobs says the product, which looks like a big iPhone, will fill a gap between laptops and smartphones.
obsian diabolism is abroad in the land once more. Don’t you see? The iPhone was launched to fill an imaginary gap between PDAs and cellphones, and now the iPad will fill the imaginary gap between iPhones and laptops. This is the devilish paradox of infinite points on a finite number line made concrete, and apparently a brilliant advertising model.
I prophesy that next will come the iPanic to fill the imaginary gap between iPads and laptops, the iPrep to fill the imaginary gap between laptops and cutting boards, then the iCouldntcareless to fill the imaginary gap between iPhones andiPads. Then we’ll need an iDunno to fill the imaginary gap between iPhones and iCouldntcarelesses, and the iBuprofen to fill the imaginary gap between iCouldntcarelesses and iPads and to stop your eyestrain headaches. It can now literally go on forever.
Damn you, Euclid of Alexandria. See where pre-Christian thought gets us?
^
A Message From the NYNF Family
by Jefe Von Stanley on Dec.21, 2009, under Navel Gazing
Dear Friends and Family:
It’s your Uncle Jeff, a.k.a. the New York Neo-Futurists’ Board President. But don’t worry, this isn’t a request for money. It’s just a holiday letter! From our crazy family to yours.
Now I’ve never actually written a holiday letter before, so I asked the Internets for help. And they gave me five rules that are guaranteed to produce maximum holiday-letter goodness.
Rule No.1: Keep it short, focus on highlights.
Our main show, Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind, is still running 50 weeks a year to ever-larger houses and ever-more notoriety. Yes, the kids are famous now!
They’re talented too! Last season’s primetime show, (Not) Just A Day Like Any Other, received a 2009 New York Innovative Theatre Award for Outstanding Ensemble. The gang was also crowned Best Performance Artists in the 2009 Village Voice annual readers poll, named among 2009’s People of the Year by nytheatre.com, and dubbed the year’s Best Arts Organization by Artists Forum Magazine.
Our 2009 primetime show, Laika Dog in Space, debuted in the Ontological-Hysteric’s Incubator series, garnering amazing reviews. Better yet, the show has been picked up for a six-week run in Chicago in 2011.
Oh, yeah—one more thing: we turned five this year, and our first major benefit raised over $15,000. We might just have to do the same thing again next year. Only completely different.
Rule No. 2: Don’t be too boastful.
Oh.
Rule No. 3: Don’t forget anyone. And identify everyone. (“Jane had a baby girl!” might be confusing; “My sister Jane had a baby girl!” isn’t.)
The Ensemble— Christopher Loar, Dan McCoy, Lauren Sharpe, Adam Smith, Lusia Strus, Alicia Harding, Jill Beckman, Desiree Burch, Eevin Hartsough, Joey Rizzolo, Rob Neill, Christopher Borg, Erica Livingston, Kevin R. Free, Ryan Good, Cara Francis, Jacquelyn Landgraf and Jeffrey Cranor— had a baby girl! I mean, they had a productive, creative and exciting year.
The NYNF Alumni and Guest Artists— Bill Coelius, Greg Allen, Lindsay Brandon Hunter, Regie Cabico, Claudia Alick, Heather Kelley, Lori Peeples, Sarah Levy, Chloë Johnson, Jenny Williams, Marta Rainer, Chris Dippel, Joe Basile, Mary Fons, Yolanda Kaye Wilkinson, Connor Kalista, John Pierson, Michael Cyril Creighton, Eliza Burmester, Katrina Toshiko, F Omar Telan, Sharon Greene, Justin Tolley and Molly Flynn—also had a productive and exciting year.
So did our Tech Crew Lauren Parrish, Chris Dierksen, Laura Schlachtmeyer, Meg Bashwiner, Marisa Blankier and Arthur Peters.
And so did my fellow Board of Directors members—Kyle Spencer, Cory Greenberg, Gary Belsky and Brad Rolston. We’re awfully proud to be a part of this dynamic organization that brings so much joy and profundity to so many New Yorkers.
Rule No. 4: Remember to think about others.
Happy Holidays, Everyone! Here’s to Having Had a Fabulous 2009 and May We All Be Blessed With a Miraculous, Stupendous, Joyful 2010.
Rule No. 5: Include a photo. Even folks who ignore your letter will appreciate seeing how the fam is looking these days.
With much sincere love and gratitude from the entire New York Neo-Futurist family,
Uncle Jeff
PS – If you did want to give us something—no pressure but, like, if you wanted to—just a little stocking stuffer—you could do so by going to http://www.nynf.org and clicking the big DONATE button.
Obama Voters: Stand By Your Man
by Jefe Von Stanley on Dec.03, 2009, under Politics
I sang that then and I’ll sing it again. I was saying it in 2007 when directing a small revival of Sam Shepard’s The God of Hell, a 2004 anti-Bush play yes, but as I told the cast then, it’s a play about big government gone out of control and extends beyond Bush. I told them electing a Democrat isn’t gonna get us out of the Middle East, and that therefore this diabolical little play will remain relevant for years to come. At least Obama was up front in his platform from the outset.
I guarantee you someone out there’s printing up bumper stickers right now that read Nobomba, and they’ll sell like hotcakes to the same disillusioned liberals who put him in office. I am one of those people who put him in office and I’m proud of it. I still proudly display my Obama-Biden ‘08 bumper sticker on my front door, but I’m no fool, and I never supported all he stood for. One delusion lots of his supporters seem to suddenly suffer from is that he claimed to be some sort of peace bringer, the antithesis of warmonger Bush, when this was never the case. Do you all, my fellow Obama voters, have amnesia? You’re intelligent people, I know you are. So why have you forgotten that going into Afghanistan was part of his platform all along? Don’t you remember his constant stumping that under Bush we “took our eye off the ball” in Afghanistan?
These past months of his “deliberation” about whether to send more troops and the right’s attacking his military “indecisiveness” have all been rhetoric and theatre. He knew, the right knew, and I for one knew (and come on, be honest, Obama fans, you knew, too), what his decision would be all along. At least credit him on this point for delivering the change he promised, whether you agree with that change or not: we’re getting out of Iraq and going into Afghanistan. The times they are a’changin’. And a’stayin’ the same. And deep down you knowed they would.
He is also working to stop torture, to close Guantanamo, and has been pushing relentlessly on health care reform, no? Give him a break and don’t burn your Obama t-shirts just yet.
Water On the Moon: What It Means for You
by Jefe Von Stanley on Nov.13, 2009, under What's Really Going On
Discarded robot head on moon.
First things first. NASA’s LCROSS “sensing satellite” was in fact a guided missile. It was sent not to kick up water vapor but to destroy the remnants of an ancient yet advanced alien mining operation before the Chinese get up there and get their hands on it. Mining for what? You guessed it: gold.
We already went up and garbage-picked through these technological remnants ourselves in 1969, bringing back samples which we reverse-engineered in order to build the Stealth Bomber, Freshen Up Gum, and Liquid Smoke.
Why would the aliens allow us to have this technology instead of just blasting the Earth to smithereens? Because of the 40-year treaty we signed with them on 7/21/69 in which they agreed to give us their discarded technology and we promised to stay the hell off the sun and to share our carbon combustion technology which exists nowhere else but on Earth. But this treaty expired in July, at which time all deals were off and the aliens began to flood our world markets with their advanced, fruit colored, eco-friendly gadgets (although some cause brain cancer because we have different skulls than they do) with ad jingles sung in high-pitched little girl indie-pop voices containing coded messages, causing a worldwide economic meltdown but saving the planet.
Does this have anything to do with 2012? Yes, but it’s really 7/21/09. The worldwide takeover has already begun. We are in the End of Shopping Days.
What does any of this have to do with the Sasquatch? Plenty. More later. They’re tuning in to this transmission and this posting will be taken down any moment so spread the word, don’t go out, and keep watching the televised skies.
EOT
