Jefe's House

My 1917 original William Fuld Ouija Board (pre-Parker Bros.) is an integral part of the show.

Last night’s premiere performance of Beautiful Zion: A Book of the Dead went extremely well but rather than give you a blow by blow of how I think I performed or how I worked the incredibly drunk and disorderly audience member right into the show’s primary theme by getting him drunker with a strong Svedka martini, I’ll cut to the chase and tell you what you really want to know:  did the 3 audience volunteers contact anyone cool on the Ouija Board in the Blue Grotto’s Entrance to Hell room at the show’s climax?

Here is a transcript of their session:

QUESTIONER: What is your name?

SPIRIT (or subconscious ideomotor impulse depending on your beliefs): FRA

QUESTIONER: Are those your initials?

SPIRIT: YES

JEFF:  Okay, that’s definitely not who we’re looking for but why don’t you chat with them anyway.

QUESTIONER: Do you know that you’re part of a show?

SPIRIT: YES

QUESTIONER: Any advice for Jeff for his show?

SPIRIT: MORE JAM

(note: there is music in my show, so I guess FRA wanted more of it;  or they wanted more jelly)

QUESTIONER: Do you live in the CEC building?

SPIRIT: YES

QUESTIONER: Are you human?

SPIRIT: YES

QUESTIONER:  What year did you die?

(no answer, the planchette just wandered; a common response for earthbound spirits who don’t realize yet that they’re dead–or don’t want to realize it)

QUESTIONER: Okay, then when were you born?

SPIRIT:  1873

QUESTIONER:  Any advice for us about how to live, how to die, or how to navigate the afterlife?

SPIRIT: LALALALA

(?! no idea; we were stumped by this one; maybe FRA was putting its fingers in its ears and singing so that it couldn’t hear our question? maybe it was telling us just to sing our way through it (it did ask for “more jam” after all). Or maybe it was telling us to go to LA)

QUESTIONER: Are you in the room with us?

SPIRIT: YES

QUESTIONER:  Do you know what’s taped to back of Jeff’s relative’s grave photo hanging in the Blue Grotto?

SPIRIT: NO

Well, the Ouija session was fun but I still didn’t get what I came for, so I had to end the show with the nuclear option.  Come tonight and find out what that means.  Full details and ticket info.

The once and future Diddy.

Diddy has announced that for the next week he’s changing his name to Swag in order to promote his new album.  Now that the name Diddy is up for grabs it’s mine.  Remember, I claimed it here first.  From this day forward I shall be known as Diddy (until next week).

If anyone wants to license it from me for the second half of the week let’s talk a deal.

[photo via examiner.com]

[image via me.]

Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
Wed, May 04, 2011 — 7:00 AM ET
—–

New York Times/CBS Poll Finds Rise in Obama’s Poll Numbers After Santa Claus Raid

Support for President Obama has risen sharply following the killing of Santa Claus by American military forces in Pakistan, with a majority now approving of his overall job performance, as well as his handling of foreign policy, the war in Afghanistan and the threat of terrorism, according to the latest New York Times/CBS News poll.

The glow of national pride seemed to rise above partisan politics, as support for the president rose significantly among both Republicans and independents. In all, 57 percent said they now approved of the president’s job performance, up from 46 percent last month.

Read More.

[image via freakingnews.com]

Now we know why they stressed right off the bat that Santa Claus had been “shot in the head.” It’s so they can never be obligated to show clean and clear proof that they actually killed him last week (because anyone can tell you that Santa Claus, if he ever existed, was killed years ago).  And wasn’t he diabetic?  Yet no dialysis machines turned up at the compound.  Strange.  The convenient “shot in the head” excuse was backed up today when the White House also informed us that he was “shot above the left eye” and that part of his skull had been “blown away,” making any facial recognition impossible and precluding the need to release a photo. Except perhaps a snapshot sooner or later where he’s conveniently unrecognizable and we’ll just have to take their word for it.

Perfect. Although there’s a nice photo floating around anyway. Only problem is,  it’s a fake that’s been floating around for months.  No matter; whatever else does get released will also be a fake.

We also learned when the story first broke that “a woman” had been killed.  Compare this to the extensive coverage of the death of Qaddafi’s sons and grandchildren last week — we got names, ages, full journalistic access to the compound. Even the death of Saddam Hussein’s (you know,  Santa Claus’ supposed partner in criminal masterminding) sons deaths were given full coverage and proof. Wouldn’t that also have been inflammatory and encourage retaliation from Santa’s elves?  Ditto the execution of Saddam himself; and note that Saddam was buried in his hometown and, lo and behold, his grave hasn’t become a “shrine for terrorists.”  But Santa Claus is different, I guess.

And if they’re so excited with the “mother lode” of data they brought out of Santa’s compound, why on earth would they instantly kill, rather than apprehend, a high value target like Kris Kringle? Not even a brief trip to a black ops site for a little waterboarding to find out exactly what the criminal genius knew and might have been planning?

But alas, everyone from Fox News to PBS are going straight to the CIA, and only the CIA, to find out what happened. That’s like interviewing the fox to find out what exactly went on in the henhouse.  Then there’s CIA Director Panetta on PBS tonight talking about his access to the “real-time video feed” of the events at Santa’s compound, while Obama in the White House also watched a real-time feed. But –aw, dang– neither of them saw the real-time moment when Père Noël was killed because that part didn’t get transmitted. In other words there are no eyewitnesses available to describe exactly what happened.

Obama 2012 by a landslide. Remember I predicted it here first.

[images via astalo.deviantart.com and prisonplanet.com]

Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
Mon, May 02, 2011 — 3:29 AM ET
—–

Santa Claus Is Buried at Sea

American officials said that Santa Claus, who was killed in a firefight with United States forces in Pakistan on Sunday, was taken to Afghanistan, and later buried at sea.

Read More.

[images via humor.gunaxin.com and nytimes.com]

From gawker.com

The Hollywood Films Financed by Qaddafi Cash

by Adrian Chen

Know why Hollywood shouldn’t take money from the son of a repressive North African dictator, no matter how nice he seems? His dad might one day go even more batshit crazy and order the mass murder of his own people when they start demanding freedom. Then you’re going to look like shitheads.

This is happening to Matty Beckerman’s Natural Selection film production fund. Last year, 37-year-old Al-Saadi Qaddafi [pictured left], the ex-soccer player son of Libya’s Colonel Qaddafi, invested $100 million in the LA-based fund. At the time, Beckerman brushed off concerns about the Qaddafi connection: “Initially when people hear it they get concerned. But it’s money at a time when very little equity is out there.” Plus, Qaddafi was a natural partner because, “He’s seen ‘Lost’ 30 times.” (The dude also paid Beyonce $2 million to perform at a New Year’s Eve bash in 2009.)

A new Bloomberg article speculates that even as his father orders massacres, Al-Saadi may be able to “continue to push film CONT’D AT GAWKER.COM>>

9" to 10" footprints with three claws. Note the apparent blood droplets at top left. Click images to see full size.

“I am not used to seeing the kind of tracks in my back yard like the samples I’m attaching here. Any ideas?  Looks BIG.  Gulp.”

So read the email I received last week from my close friend S. with 4 photos attached (the one above was also a Coast to Coast AM Photo of the Day on 1/27/11).  He lives in Franklin County, Ohio near Columbus, works in a highly visible profession and is too shy to post these images himself — but he’s also alarmed by the footprints he and his wife found in their back yard last week after the last big snowfall. Knowing of my keen interest in the ridiculous-yet-hard-to-explain, he sent them to me.

He’s been perusing BFRO’s site for sasquatch sightings in his area looking to make some kind of sense of this, but to no avail.

“The right track has blood on it — the right foot seems to indicate a foot injury,” his email continued.  “We are kinda freaking out.  We have spent hours combing through wild animal track books, trying to isolate and identify the tracks, hoping to come up with an explanation. WHOA.  Freaking.

S.”

He says the tracks crossed through his yard and stopped at a large tree.  Sadly there was no shivering juvenile squatch hiding in the tree when he looked up — but then where did it go? Did it fly away? Jersey devil? Mothman? My two cents — these aren’t sasquatch, Jersey devil or mothman prints; they’re clearly dogman prints. Perhaps it leapt from the tree onto another tree or onto his roof (he didn’t think to look there for more prints) and was gone.  (UPDATE 1/27/11: I just searched and found this regarding Ohio’s “Loveland creature,” a reptilian spotted in 1955 and 1972, so I’m switching my opinion from dogman to lizardman.)

They’re real. It’s not a hoax. Your theory?  He’s open to your explanations.

Apparent blood droplets, top left, spattered all along right foot path.

Arizona Shooting: Treating Mental Illness Before it Kills

Let’s Stop It Before It Claims Lives

by Dr. Harold Koplewicz, President, the Child Mind Institute

“In the mass shooting in Arizona Saturday there were heroes who prevented even more bloodshed…But there are others in this story who could have, and I believe would have, been heroes if they had the knowledge and tools they needed to stop Jared Loughner’s descent into mental illness.

“It’s heartbreaking to read the accounts of college students and professors who noticed Loughner’s bizarre and frightening behavior, shared their fears with others, but didn’t see a way to get Loughner effective help…It’s terrible to imagine a student actually sitting by the door of her classroom because she was so afraid of another obviously mentally ill student — and outrageous that it took more than a single day to resolve the situation. In fact, it took three or four weeks before her concerned professor, and others who had Loughner in their classes, were able to have him removed…What his professors didn’t do is acknowledge that he was a risk to both himself and others, and call the police. 

“Schizophrenia, if that’s what this is — or any of the other psychiatric disorders that can lead to psychosis — doesn’t develop overnight. There are warning signs, and those signs didn’t prompt the intervention they should have. ” FULL STORY AT CHILD MIND INSTITUTE>>

But alas, according to the New York Times (see below) the fuzz did visit Loughner’s home, but they can only do so much until a person commits a crime. Cops can’t arrest someone because they read Nietzsche or went to a lame party and decided they’d rather sit alone and read a dictionary, and drop them off at the psych center.  (And I hate when the media in this country do this; ‘he read books so he must be crazy.’  Yes, this guy is a maniac but are they suggesting that reading made him crazy?  Or are they suggesting that he was crazy, therefore he read books? Either way it’s a silly message to send our kids. The Clinton administration did the same thing after Columbine; the Dept. of Ed. sent out a guidebook for teachers to help them spot troubled students, and one of the warning signs was students who spend an inordinate amount of time in the library reading books!   Remember when studiousness and staying out of trouble was a good thing? Now it makes you odd, and dangerous.  I guess if you’re a violent bully on a daily basis then you’re normal.  I’m only saying, look elsewhere for the root of evil or of psychosis. Thankfully there are organizations like the above-mentioned Child Mind Institute that make some sense.)

Regarding Loughner and the fuzz, couldn’t the cops (including the campus cops who were extremely aware of his frightening classroom behavior) have gone to a next of kin, as in Loughner’s mom or dad, to strongly recommend that they have Loughner forcibly committed? Loughner wasn’t just reading intellectual books. He was acting dangerous and seemed to enjoy, and gain a sense of power from, making people afraid of him, like his classmates, former friends, and neighbors.

And now the Times article:

Police Say They Visited Tucson Suspect’s Home Even Before Rampage

By Jo Becker, Kirk Johnson and Serge F. Kovaleski; nytimes.com

“The police were sent to the home where Jared L. Loughner lived with his family on more than one occasion before the attack here on Saturday…The news of police involvement with the Loughners suggests that county sheriff’s deputies were at least familiar with the family, even if the reason for their visits was unclear as of Tuesday night.

“The account by Mr. Loughner’s friend added some details to the emerging portrait of the suspect and his family. ‘He was a nihilist and loves causing chaos…he was sick in the head,’ said Zane Gutierrez, 21… [Loughner] talked about reading Friedrich Nietzsche’s book The Will To Power and embraced ideas about the corrosive, destructive effects of nihilism — a belief in nothing.

“He added that Mr. Loughner ‘used the word hollow to describe how fake the real world was to him.’ …He also said that Mr. Loughner had increasing trouble interacting in social settings — during one party, for instance, Mr. Loughner retreated upstairs alone to a room and was found reading a dictionary.

“After his arrest for possession of drug paraphernalia in 2007, Mr. Loughner was ordered to attend a diversion program run by the county attorney’s office…But the program is primarily educational, focused on ‘the dangers of drugs and the dangers of substance abuse,’ rather than the kind of in-depth counseling that friends, including Mr. Gutierrez, strongly felt that Mr. Loughner needed.

“‘It got worse over time,’ Mr. Gutierrez said. He said he stopped talking to Mr. Loughner last March, when their interactions grew increasingly unpredictable and troubling….’He started to get really paranoid.’” FULL STORY AT NYTIMES.COM>>

Another update: As I predicted, there were plenty of other symptoms besides what books he read; in fact, there was an avalanche of warning signs right under everyone’s noses, even right under his family’s noses, yet they decided not to have him committed. Why? Why on earth not?  FULL STORY AT NYTIMES.COM>>

[image by me; baby head sculpture by Ron Mueck, Boston Museum of Fine Arts]

Alright. I will blow my own psychic trumpet – if I can reach it.  Here goes…

ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT
Paris Hilton will become increasingly orange, and will be found dead from a cocaine-heroin cocktail overdose in the Malibu home of a close friend.

Martin Scorsese will make a new movie stereotyping Italians.

Robert DeNiro will phone in another comedy performance to keep the bills paid.

Woody Allen will make one more movie whining about the fact that his life is meaningless and his ego too fragile to take it just in case we haven’t been paying attention.  To prove his point, he’ll pull the negationist stunt of divorcing Soon-Yi and marrying one of his other children.

Charlie Sheen’s antics will continue to be hilarious. Oh, his TV show will also stay pretty funny.

Broadway will remain racially segregated, with investors maintaining that Separate But Equal works really well in theatre, so why tinker with it? Tourists will agree with them wholeheartedly.

Off Broadway will continue rolling out redundant domestic dramas about the trials and tribulations of white families, some of whom are struggling exploitatively with their homosexuality, some exploitatively with their children’s homosexuality, others with prescription drug addiction, still others with a general suburban ennui.  Hasn’t the gay community been stereotyped enough?

Off Off Broadway will remain the last bastion of truly cutting edge professional, noncommercially-driven theatre, which unfortunately most tourists either won’t learn about or will be too afraid to take their kids downtown or to Brooklyn  to see, or will continue in their mistaken belief that Off Off is synonymous with amateur.  To combat this, the tired phrase “Off Off Broadway theatre” will finally be dropped by the media and replaced with “independent theatre,” making it appropriately analagous to independent film.

BOOKS
Memoirs by overprivileged yet sheltered white ladies who traveled alone abroad for the first time, and had unlifechanging experiences which they contend were sublime, will finally stop being published.

SPORTS
NFL and SPCA legend Michael Vick, the OJ Simpson of animal abuse, will get caught in another imbroglio involving violent cruelty to a living thing weaker than himself, and it will involve illegal gambling. To help boost his reputation, Vick will open a Vick’s Pet Care pet-sitting service in Philadelphia.

JOURNALISM
“Aks” will become standard English for the proper way to spell “ask.”

The nonsensical “for all intensive purposes” will become an increasingly acceptable idiom, replacing the more traditional and more logical “for all intents and purposes,” which just sounds too old-fashioned even though it actually makes sense.

“Repel” and “repeal” will continue to gain acceptance as synonyms.

The nonexistent word “insiduous” will replace “insidious.”

No one will help us out of this mess, and schools will only reinforce these absurd grammatical changes.

AMERICA’S OBESITY CRISIS
The discredited 1970s’ 4-4-3-2 nutrition plan will be resurrected by the US Department of Agriculture as a normal, healthy diet given that most Americans adhere to it anyway. Did you know that pizza with everything is a healthy meal, containing items from the milk group, meat group, fruits & vegetables group, and breads & cereals group?  So is a Whopper.

WORLD
There will be continued violence in the Middle East. There will be continued violence in Africa. The sky will continue to be blue, the trees green.

European anarchist groups will continue to work together with increasingly sophisticated coordination, destroying the economic system, plunging us into their much hoped for post-apocalyptic, feudalistic society.  They will declare the date to be Year Zero. Farms will be seized and “collectivized,” after which mass starvation and gang violence will rule the day. Frazzled anarchist leaders will then call upon the police and military to restore order, and then they will request loans from multinational banks to rebuild all the roads, trains and hospitals they destroyed in order to liberate all of us.

POLITICS
Millions of working Americans will begin to feel and appreciate the benefits of Obama’s healthcare plan but will continue to complain that socialist Obama has screwed up the country.  Obama, unfazed, will prepare for a 2012 landslide reelection.  I also predict that I will be one of those voting for him again.

A major world leader will announce not only a cutesy belief in the possibility of extraterrestrials, but will insist with all seriousness during a press conference that he has seen ETs himself. The Vatican will immediately back him up. This will all be part of preparing us for 2012 when things are really gonna get all alieny up in here.

SCIENCE
Bigfoot sightings will become increasingly fashionable. A theoretical link between Bigfoots and the newly announced ETs (see above) will gain ground among top scientists.

Happy New Year, everybody. God bless us, every one.

[image via psychic-junkie.com]