Jefe's House

Tag: cell phones

Ad Infinitum

by on Jan.27, 2010, under The Press

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apples

Photo by Jefe Von Stanley.

Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
—–
Apple Announces Tablet Device Called iPad

Steven P. Jobs says the product, which looks like a big iPhone, will fill a gap between laptops and smartphones.

jobsian diabolism is abroad in the land once more.  Don’t you see?  The iPhone was  launched to fill an imaginary gap between PDAs and cellphones, and now the iPad will fill the imaginary gap between iPhones and laptops.  This is the devilish paradox of infinite points on a finite number line made concrete, and apparently a brilliant advertising model.

I prophesy that next will come the iPanic to fill the imaginary gap between iPads and laptops, the iPrep to fill the imaginary gap between laptops and cutting boards, then the iCouldntcareless to fill the imaginary gap between iPhones andiPads. Then we’ll need an iDunno to fill the imaginary gap between iPhones and iCouldntcarelesses, and the iBuprofen to fill the imaginary gap between iCouldntcarelesses and iPads and to stop your eyestrain headaches.  It can now literally go on forever.

Damn you, Euclid of Alexandria.  See where pre-Christian thought gets us?

^

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Water On the Moon: What It Means for You

by on Nov.13, 2009, under The Truth Is In Here

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Discarded robot head on moon.

Discarded robot head on moon.

First things first. NASA’s LCROSS “sensing satellite” was in fact a guided missile. It was sent not to kick up water vapor but to destroy the remnants of an ancient yet advanced alien mining operation before the Chinese get up there and get their hands on it. Mining for what? You guessed it: gold.

We already went up and garbage-picked through these technological remnants ourselves in 1969, bringing back samples which we reverse-engineered in order to build the Stealth Bomber, Freshen Up Gum, and Liquid Smoke.

Why would the aliens allow us to have this technology instead of just blasting the Earth to smithereens? Because of the 40-year treaty we signed with them on 7/21/69 in which they agreed to give us their discarded technology and we promised to stay the hell off the sun and to share our carbon combustion technology which exists nowhere else but on Earth. But this treaty expired in July, at which time all deals were off and the aliens began to flood our world markets with their advanced, fruit colored, eco-friendly gadgets (although some cause brain cancer because we have different skulls than they do) with ad jingles sung in high-pitched little girl indie-pop voices containing coded messages,  causing a worldwide economic meltdown but saving the planet.

Does this have anything to do with 2012? Yes, but it’s really 7/21/09. The worldwide takeover has already begun. We are in the End of Shopping Days.

What does any of this have to do with the Sasquatch? Plenty. More later. They’re tuning in to this transmission and this posting will be taken down any moment so spread the word, don’t go out, and keep watching the televised skies.

EOT

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