Jefe's House

See?  I told you sasquatches are real.  I’ve known this ever since two friends and I had a Class B encounter with one a few summers ago in the Blue Ridge Mountains while sitting out late to watch the Perseid meteor shower.  Now finally there’s proof in what’s being called the McKenzie River video (you can watch the whole thing here).  The mysterious “McKenzie River figure” is most certainly a Bigfoot, this is indisputable. I’ve done my own thorough velocitogigantoanalysis (I slowed it down and zoomed in) and can confirm as much:

On second thought, I see a senior citizen day hiker (there are lots of ‘em, folks) with a cane wearing a yellow or khaki colored cap walking on a path along the riverbank.  Rats.

(Absurd how if two humans go by in a boat the Bigfoot community can’t first assume that a third figure enjoying the scenery from the shore might also be a human.  This is a well-traveled area with, yes, paths.  It might not be Grand Central Station but it’s a well-traveled area.)

Big Frank bagged a cryptid.

 ”I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Hood County, Texas animal control officer Frank Hackett, so naturally he shot and killed the stray dog.  “It looked ugly, real ugly,” he said, but he won’t go on record as calling the dog a chupacabra.   Can someone please investigate this so-called officer and put him on suspension and for god’s sake take his gun away before he shoots someone? Where’s PETA when they can actually serve a purpose?

Big Jack shows off his meat stick.

Complainant Jack Farr is glad Hackett shot and killed the dog for wandering onto his property and for being ugly, even though “it didn’t seem alarmed by me at all. It almost acted like the neighbor’s dog.”   Meanwhile down the road a piece a rancher also shot and killed one of the dogs recently for walking while ugly.   Now that all three men have proven their manhood and made up for their small penis sizes by using rifles and long pokey sticks on thangs that just ain’t as purty as them, maybe they can go ’round back behind the outhouse, rub their bellies together and make love like true warriors.  

Perhaps these potatoheads took twisted inspiration from North Carolina’s Tim Peeler, my new hero, who tried calling coyotes onto his property and instead got a  hulking sasquatch which also made him feel insignificant and have to reach for his pokey stick, but at least it stopped there and this true mountain gentleman didn’t feel the need to grab his gun and open fire on a creature he found strange and frightening but also ”beautiful.”  Instead he  just “rough talked him” and ran him off.  Good for him.  Take that, Texas barbarians and go, Tar Heels, for knowing how to treat your cryptids.   

Peeler Demonstrates How Best to Handle a Cryptid:  

[photos via yahoo/nbc, video via Youtube]