NYC friends, do yourself a favor and check out my old friend Bill Syken‘s murder mystery Hangman’s Game. I know it’s great because I’m reading it now and because I was at his kickoff (see how I did that?) reading in Philly last month. It’s this Friday at 6:30pm at the Mysterious Bookshop, 58 Warren Street in Manhattan. Bill’s got a long history as a journalist and Sports Illustrated writer and his novel is set behind the scenes in the pro football world. Make sure to get your copy of the book autographed so you can sell it later and put your grandkids through college.
Alright. I will blow my own psychic trumpet – if I can reach it. Here goes…
ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT
Paris Hilton will become increasingly orange, and will be found dead from a cocaine-heroin cocktail overdose in the Malibu home of a close friend.
Martin Scorsese will make a new movie stereotyping Italians.
Robert DeNiro will phone in another comedy performance to keep the bills paid.
Woody Allen will make one more movie whining about the fact that his life is meaningless and his ego too fragile to take it just in case we haven’t been paying attention. To prove his point, he’ll pull the negationist stunt of divorcing Soon-Yi and marrying one of his other children.
Charlie Sheen’s antics will continue to be hilarious. Oh, his TV show will also stay pretty funny.
Broadway will remain racially segregated, with investors maintaining that Separate But Equal works really well in theatre, so why tinker with it? Tourists will agree with them wholeheartedly.
Off Broadway will continue rolling out redundant domestic dramas about the trials and tribulations of white families, some of whom are struggling exploitatively with their homosexuality, some exploitatively with their children’s homosexuality, others with prescription drug addiction, still others with a general suburban ennui. Hasn’t the gay community been stereotyped enough?
Off Off Broadway will remain the last bastion of truly cutting edge professional, noncommercially-driven theatre, which unfortunately most tourists either won’t learn about or will be too afraid to take their kids downtown or to Brooklyn to see, or will continue in their mistaken belief that Off Off is synonymous with amateur. To combat this, the tired phrase “Off Off Broadway theatre” will finally be dropped by the media and replaced with “independent theatre,” making it appropriately analagous to independent film.
Memoirs by overprivileged yet sheltered white ladies who traveled alone abroad for the first time, and had unlifechanging experiences which they contend were sublime, will finally stop being published.
NFL and SPCA legend Michael Vick, the OJ Simpson of animal abuse, will get caught in another imbroglio involving violent cruelty to a living thing weaker than himself, and it will involve illegal gambling. To help boost his reputation, Vick will open a Vick’s Pet Care pet-sitting service in Philadelphia.
“Aks” will become standard English for the proper way to spell “ask.”
The nonsensical “for all intensive purposes” will become an increasingly acceptable idiom, replacing the more traditional and more logical “for all intents and purposes,” which just sounds too old-fashioned even though it actually makes sense.
“Repel” and “repeal” will continue to gain acceptance as synonyms.
The nonexistent word “insiduous” will replace “insidious.”
No one will help us out of this mess, and schools will only reinforce these absurd grammatical changes.
AMERICA’S OBESITY CRISIS
The discredited 1970s’ 4-4-3-2 nutrition plan will be resurrected by the US Department of Agriculture as a normal, healthy diet given that most Americans adhere to it anyway. Did you know that pizza with everything is a healthy meal, containing items from the milk group, meat group, fruits & vegetables group, and breads & cereals group? So is a Whopper.
There will be continued violence in the Middle East. There will be continued violence in Africa. The sky will continue to be blue, the trees green.
European anarchist groups will continue to work together with increasingly sophisticated coordination, destroying the economic system, plunging us into their much hoped for post-apocalyptic, feudalistic society. They will declare the date to be Year Zero. Farms will be seized and “collectivized,” after which mass starvation and gang violence will rule the day. Frazzled anarchist leaders will then call upon the police and military to restore order, and then they will request loans from multinational banks to rebuild all the roads, trains and hospitals they destroyed in order to liberate all of us.
Millions of working Americans will begin to feel and appreciate the benefits of Obama’s healthcare plan but will continue to complain that socialist Obama has screwed up the country. Obama, unfazed, will prepare for a 2012 landslide reelection. I also predict that I will be one of those voting for him again.
A major world leader will announce not only a cutesy belief in the possibility of extraterrestrials, but will insist with all seriousness during a press conference that he has seen ETs himself. The Vatican will immediately back him up. This will all be part of preparing us for 2012 when things are really gonna get all alieny up in here.
Bigfoot sightings will become increasingly fashionable. A theoretical link between Bigfoots and the newly announced ETs (see above) will gain ground among top scientists.
Happy New Year, everybody. God bless us, every one.
[image via psychic-junkie.com]
Now that dog-fighting, dog-drowning Mike Vick has expressed televised contrition, received punishment, been washed in the blood of the Media, redeemed and welcomed back into the fold – yes, he’s a born again athlete, 21st century style – it’s time to hear from you, gentle congregants, and for Vick’s supporters to put their doggies where their mouths are. And really, Obama? Really? A contragulatory call? I still heart you Barack but please. This is only going to come back to bite you (pun intended) because MV’s not through yet; he might be done with dogs but that leaves spouses, girlfriends, kids…Yes, this is all only my opinion but I am a registered, licensed armchair psychiatrist and I know chronic, psychotic behavior when I see it, and I know it doesn’t go away magically.
[images via mugshots.com and blackyouthproject.com]