Jefe's House

9" to 10" footprints with three claws. Note the apparent blood droplets at top left. Click images to see full size.

“I am not used to seeing the kind of tracks in my back yard like the samples I’m attaching here. Any ideas?  Looks BIG.  Gulp.”

So read the email I received last week from my close friend S. with 4 photos attached (the one above was also a Coast to Coast AM Photo of the Day on 1/27/11).  He lives in Franklin County, Ohio near Columbus, works in a highly visible profession and is too shy to post these images himself — but he’s also alarmed by the footprints he and his wife found in their back yard last week after the last big snowfall. Knowing of my keen interest in the ridiculous-yet-hard-to-explain, he sent them to me.

He’s been perusing BFRO’s site for sasquatch sightings in his area looking to make some kind of sense of this, but to no avail.

“The right track has blood on it — the right foot seems to indicate a foot injury,” his email continued.  “We are kinda freaking out.  We have spent hours combing through wild animal track books, trying to isolate and identify the tracks, hoping to come up with an explanation. WHOA.  Freaking.

S.”

He says the tracks crossed through his yard and stopped at a large tree.  Sadly there was no shivering juvenile squatch hiding in the tree when he looked up — but then where did it go? Did it fly away? Jersey devil? Mothman? My two cents — these aren’t sasquatch, Jersey devil or mothman prints; they’re clearly dogman prints. Perhaps it leapt from the tree onto another tree or onto his roof (he didn’t think to look there for more prints) and was gone.  (UPDATE 1/27/11: I just searched and found this regarding Ohio’s “Loveland creature,” a reptilian spotted in 1955 and 1972, so I’m switching my opinion from dogman to lizardman.)

They’re real. It’s not a hoax. Your theory?  He’s open to your explanations.

Apparent blood droplets, top left, spattered all along right foot path.

I was thrilled to return to the verdant and lonely shadowland that is the New Jersey Pine Barrens for Labor Day weekend. Three days a’campin’ in the sasquatch-infested Bass River State Forest where I went a’hikin’ and a’fishin’. I kept a big pickerel and threw back a coupla baby cats along the squatchy shores of Lake Absegami.  No cryptids — neither a squatch nor his winged cousin the Jersey Devil (pictured right) — reared their ugly heads, and I searched in earnest, including a night walk around the lake and some daytime recon along the Barrens’ many isolated footpaths for my next visit.  Bigfoot had given me the brush-off, but I did find some sasquatch scat on the Batona Trail. Or was it a load of horse shit? I never can tell.     

More to the point, summer ended with a lovely weekend outdoors.  

Some visual foreshadowing above Lake Absegami. The cloud fish foretold of my...

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...reeling in a keeper moments later.

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*[photos via coasttocoastam.com, cryptomundo.com, and me]

See?  I told you sasquatches are real.  I’ve known this ever since two friends and I had a Class B encounter with one a few summers ago in the Blue Ridge Mountains while sitting out late to watch the Perseid meteor shower.  Now finally there’s proof in what’s being called the McKenzie River video (you can watch the whole thing here).  The mysterious “McKenzie River figure” is most certainly a Bigfoot, this is indisputable. I’ve done my own thorough velocitogigantoanalysis (I slowed it down and zoomed in) and can confirm as much:

On second thought, I see a senior citizen day hiker (there are lots of ‘em, folks) with a cane wearing a yellow or khaki colored cap walking on a path along the riverbank.  Rats.

(Absurd how if two humans go by in a boat the Bigfoot community can’t first assume that a third figure enjoying the scenery from the shore might also be a human.  This is a well-traveled area with, yes, paths.  It might not be Grand Central Station but it’s a well-traveled area.)

Big Frank bagged a cryptid.

 ”I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Hood County, Texas animal control officer Frank Hackett, so naturally he shot and killed the stray dog.  “It looked ugly, real ugly,” he said, but he won’t go on record as calling the dog a chupacabra.   Can someone please investigate this so-called officer and put him on suspension and for god’s sake take his gun away before he shoots someone? Where’s PETA when they can actually serve a purpose?

Big Jack shows off his meat stick.

Complainant Jack Farr is glad Hackett shot and killed the dog for wandering onto his property and for being ugly, even though “it didn’t seem alarmed by me at all. It almost acted like the neighbor’s dog.”   Meanwhile down the road a piece a rancher also shot and killed one of the dogs recently for walking while ugly.   Now that all three men have proven their manhood and made up for their small penis sizes by using rifles and long pokey sticks on thangs that just ain’t as purty as them, maybe they can go ’round back behind the outhouse, rub their bellies together and make love like true warriors.  

Perhaps these potatoheads took twisted inspiration from North Carolina’s Tim Peeler, my new hero, who tried calling coyotes onto his property and instead got a  hulking sasquatch which also made him feel insignificant and have to reach for his pokey stick, but at least it stopped there and this true mountain gentleman didn’t feel the need to grab his gun and open fire on a creature he found strange and frightening but also ”beautiful.”  Instead he  just “rough talked him” and ran him off.  Good for him.  Take that, Texas barbarians and go, Tar Heels, for knowing how to treat your cryptids.   

Peeler Demonstrates How Best to Handle a Cryptid:  

[photos via yahoo/nbc, video via Youtube]

Discarded robot head on moon.

First things first. NASA’s LCROSS “sensing satellite” was in fact a guided missile. It was sent not to kick up water vapor but to destroy the remnants of an ancient yet advanced alien mining operation before the Chinese get up there and get their hands on it. Mining for what? You guessed it: gold.

We already went up and garbage-picked through these technological remnants ourselves in 1969, bringing back samples which we reverse-engineered in order to build the Stealth Bomber, Freshen Up Gum, and Liquid Smoke.

Why would the aliens allow us to have this technology instead of just blasting the Earth to smithereens? Because of the 40-year treaty we signed with them on 7/21/69 in which they agreed to give us their discarded technology and we promised to stay the hell off the sun and to share our carbon combustion technology which exists nowhere else but on Earth. But this treaty expired in July, at which time all deals were off and the aliens began to flood our world markets with their advanced, fruit colored, eco-friendly gadgets (although some cause brain cancer because we have different skulls than they do) with ad jingles sung in high-pitched little girl indie-pop voices containing coded messages,  causing a worldwide economic meltdown but saving the planet.

Does this have anything to do with 2012? Yes, but it’s really 7/21/09. The worldwide takeover has already begun. We are in the End of Shopping Days.

What does any of this have to do with the Sasquatch? Plenty. More later. They’re tuning in to this transmission and this posting will be taken down any moment so spread the word, don’t go out, and keep watching the televised skies.

EOT